This is what I realized in my self practice today. Of maybe why im not advancing in my asana or why I'm not losing weight.
Why I'm not advancing in asana....I have categorized my self into the "I'm not a good enough yogi" meaning that I haven't spent 5 years in India or I will never be able to do all those crazy poses because of a physical issue or I don't deserve them...im not good enough and I don't know enough about yoga, so those poses are only reserved for those who know all 7 chakras in Sanskrit...so I keep myself back. And maybe that is why I back out of poses because its like right at the brink and the breaking point where the pose gets to tough I think "I cant do this" "that's not me" I'm Brianne who cant do cool yoga poses.
Or even with the weight, I had been physically broken down and mentally abused, I feel I'm not good enough to treat myself right or even eat right. Because again, its right at that breaking point that where I start to lose weight this thing clicks in my head "oh no, you need to keep that layer of fat, That's who you are now, you don't deserve to feel comfortable, the only way to deal with pain is to over eat. So go ahead binge on that pizza and cake. "
It only gets me back to where I started. Back into this place that I had been put in after an emotionally abusive relationship. In that relationship I got a physical injury ( from snowboarding, falling on my tailbone I still have nerve issues) and emotional/mental abuse. Two big abusive factors back to back that has me stuck in the "I'm not good enough rut"
And yes, I have grown leaps and bounds since then!! I have lived abroad and in the jungles in Panama and Nicaragua by myself. Traveling through these countries solo without speaking the language, I have and Immense about of Self Esteem and Self Confidence. ...but i notice when I'm beginning to turn a new leaf, I feel a rope tied around my waist connected to the "Tree Trunk" of 2011.
But I must understand that i deserve the best in EVERYTHING. And have a DEEP AND MEANINGFULL Yoga practice. It is a process..and since august 2013, I have created a mantra:
Being Patient and Aware of the Process.
And now is the turning point where I understand that to cut the rope off the 2011 "Tree Trunk" I must find that edge in yoga. Find comfort in the discomfort of a pose. Try those poses that I've always felt are reserved for the cool yogis or the yoga journal models.
And instead of reverting to food for comfort, revert to my yoga practice. And find comfort in whatever discomfort I am feeling that is making my reach for another pound of cake. Because every time I become a witness in those moments of discomfort, I can grow. And that growth will help me to cut that rope of the "Tree Trunk"
So its time to take more challenging yoga class. And find a proper nutrition plan that I can stick to.
Because I Deserve It Dammit!!
